A certain smell
A hole in the wall.
A random or
Indecent thought which triggers it.
Thoughts & feelings that were buried
Only to be resurrected at that precise moment in time.
Fingerprints of our pasts,
That we thought were gone forever
Forgotten.
Invisible to the naked eye.
Memories.
Even the most mundane
Years of memories that were lost.
Not lost.
Trapped.
But if you're lucky,
One day if you're lucky,
You might see it,
You might smell it,
You might even taste it.
The sweetest feeling in the world.
Wednesday, 1 October 2014
Tuesday, 5 August 2014
Antisocial Media
We are all being subconsciously controlled and worked on by a super online “higher power,” whilst we sculpt, mould and eventually end up birthing our very own desired online personas.
Each day billions of people use social media to connect and share their lives with complete strangers all over the world who come together to form an online community. But what we don't realise is that social media is slowly but surely eating away a small section of our brains — so what use to be thoughts, creativity and wit has dissolved and been replaced with artificial generic ideas put out there by a "higher power." Our thoughts are not our own anymore. We live in fear that one day we'll slip up or do the wrong thing online and be ostracised.
You must keep your thoughts to yourself and pretend you're like them. That is until one day the persona you created online starts to slip up, the cracks start to show bits of personality starts to seep in through your tweets someone notices you're not like everyone else, your secret comes out.
You start to say and do things differently from everyone else. It's ok at first you think you can maybe start a movement or a revolution but you later realise you're on your own and the others who think like you are too frightened and ashamed to speak out. You are chased away eventually.
Later you think maybe you can start a small civilisation elsewhere or maybe you can go back to you hometown Facebook, your first love. You may even decide to start blogging, the pay is crap but you'll survive.
You have to do something, anything to take your mind off the fact that you are no longer welcome online.
Wednesday, 29 January 2014
Lost years part 2: Moving Forward
So a lot has happened since the first episode of my moving forward series. In part 1 I had just turned 20 was still in college not knowing what to do with my life, feeling as though I had lost so much, yet believing God to do the impossible by restoring all those lost years back to me. Now two years on I'm in my second year of university working part time & learning how to drive. I'm finally moving forward. At times I still feel the pain of all that was lost but my main aim and goal has always been to move forward.
Being kicked out of school at the age of 14 never having a proper secondary education really did take it's toll on me in my later years. At first staying at home all day long and not going to school seemed like the bomb. For more than a year I stayed at home whilst every one else I knew got a proper education. I stayed at home watching daytime tv, sitting on the same spot on the living room sofa for hours collecting dust. I was wasting my life and I didn't even know it at the time. I thought by being kicked out of school I had dodged a bullet.
A deep feeling of shame followed me wherever I went. I remember one day one of my uncles came to the house I think it was around mid day, As soon as I heard his voice I became James Bond and 007'd out of my bedroom window then ran away because I didn't want to have to explain to him the reason why I was not at school.
Every other day I was sent to Brixton market to buy food stuff for the house because of course since I wasn't going to school I had been employed as a full time house girl. A few years on whilst my mates were getting ready to finish university I was still in college jumping from one course to another. Friends and certain family members use to mock me and I had soon come to the conclusion that I was cursed because nothing I ever did was fruitful. People even thought I'd get pregnant and start claiming benefits, I found this quite odd because I wasn't even having sex. To be fair a lot of people had given up on me. Secretly I had given up on myself but somehow I still kept going.
I attended three different colleges over the space of four years. I completely flopped secondary secondary, I didn't even get as far as making it to year 11 so I didn't sit for my GCSES, which I think is a shame because I know I would've done well.
Now I'm in my second year of university glory be to God & it's funny because some of the people who were at university when I was still struggling in college are still there.
Now aged 22 I can say my head is clear and I've learnt not to take myself and my education for granted most importantly to make the most of my time. I'm not saying that I'm perfect or anything like that, only that my eyes have seen so many things and I'm a lot wiser now. I've learnt over the past two years to actually physically and mentally rely on God 100%. Although this is something I've failed to completely master I know that when my back is up against the wall God is the only one that truly has me at that point so I have no choice but to trust him. Really we shouldn't wait until we are desperate before we learn to trust God. I've also learnt to keep it moving no matter what even when I'm lacking motivation and have no vision of where I'm going. My aim is always to keep it moving because I believe when you move God moves. I've learnt not to dwell on things in my past or in my present especially things that I have no power over the more I move the closer I become to achieving my goals. I can't afford to go backwards and I accept that my past is a part of who I am but as much as it's a part of me I still have no choice but to move forward.
When I say something I aim to follow it through and I understand now that great things are not going to just land in my lap, I have to do worthwhile things in order to achieve greatness and greatness is not something that everyone gets. I believe greatness is something that is not easily attained but is worth perusing, greatness is not something that is out of anybody's reach if they are willing to fight for it. Anyone can be great despite their pasts, but greatness is only for those that are willing to grab it by force with both hands (and feet). I use to be ok with being mediocre, basic, just 'getting by' but when I started to see myself in a completely different way I started wanting more, so much more. Simply put, mediocre people don't do great things and mediocre people do not get written about.
I pray that in the next year or so when I write part 3 I would've grown so much more mentally and spiritually. It's amazing how much God can change a persons in such a short space of time!
Being kicked out of school at the age of 14 never having a proper secondary education really did take it's toll on me in my later years. At first staying at home all day long and not going to school seemed like the bomb. For more than a year I stayed at home whilst every one else I knew got a proper education. I stayed at home watching daytime tv, sitting on the same spot on the living room sofa for hours collecting dust. I was wasting my life and I didn't even know it at the time. I thought by being kicked out of school I had dodged a bullet.
A deep feeling of shame followed me wherever I went. I remember one day one of my uncles came to the house I think it was around mid day, As soon as I heard his voice I became James Bond and 007'd out of my bedroom window then ran away because I didn't want to have to explain to him the reason why I was not at school.
Every other day I was sent to Brixton market to buy food stuff for the house because of course since I wasn't going to school I had been employed as a full time house girl. A few years on whilst my mates were getting ready to finish university I was still in college jumping from one course to another. Friends and certain family members use to mock me and I had soon come to the conclusion that I was cursed because nothing I ever did was fruitful. People even thought I'd get pregnant and start claiming benefits, I found this quite odd because I wasn't even having sex. To be fair a lot of people had given up on me. Secretly I had given up on myself but somehow I still kept going.
I attended three different colleges over the space of four years. I completely flopped secondary secondary, I didn't even get as far as making it to year 11 so I didn't sit for my GCSES, which I think is a shame because I know I would've done well.
Now I'm in my second year of university glory be to God & it's funny because some of the people who were at university when I was still struggling in college are still there.
Now aged 22 I can say my head is clear and I've learnt not to take myself and my education for granted most importantly to make the most of my time. I'm not saying that I'm perfect or anything like that, only that my eyes have seen so many things and I'm a lot wiser now. I've learnt over the past two years to actually physically and mentally rely on God 100%. Although this is something I've failed to completely master I know that when my back is up against the wall God is the only one that truly has me at that point so I have no choice but to trust him. Really we shouldn't wait until we are desperate before we learn to trust God. I've also learnt to keep it moving no matter what even when I'm lacking motivation and have no vision of where I'm going. My aim is always to keep it moving because I believe when you move God moves. I've learnt not to dwell on things in my past or in my present especially things that I have no power over the more I move the closer I become to achieving my goals. I can't afford to go backwards and I accept that my past is a part of who I am but as much as it's a part of me I still have no choice but to move forward.
When I say something I aim to follow it through and I understand now that great things are not going to just land in my lap, I have to do worthwhile things in order to achieve greatness and greatness is not something that everyone gets. I believe greatness is something that is not easily attained but is worth perusing, greatness is not something that is out of anybody's reach if they are willing to fight for it. Anyone can be great despite their pasts, but greatness is only for those that are willing to grab it by force with both hands (and feet). I use to be ok with being mediocre, basic, just 'getting by' but when I started to see myself in a completely different way I started wanting more, so much more. Simply put, mediocre people don't do great things and mediocre people do not get written about.
I pray that in the next year or so when I write part 3 I would've grown so much more mentally and spiritually. It's amazing how much God can change a persons in such a short space of time!
Tuesday, 28 January 2014
Lost years Part 1: Moving Forward
This is another post from my old blog, written over 2 years ago, but I thought I’d repost as a reminder to myself.
Why is it only now after 20 years of my life that I’m realising you only get what you put in?
I’ve always felt that good things will just automatically come to me & I wouldn’t have to work hard for anything. Why? I have no idea but now I know that was silly & I’ve wasted the last 6 years of my life just thinking good things will magically happen to me without putting in any work for it. I’ve wasted so many years and I know that no matter how many times I pray or cry for those years I can never re-live them and put things right. They will never return to me and that thought alone hurts. Maybe it’s just something I’m going to have to live with. So many foundations could’ve been laid in those lost years of my life. I know it’s no good dwelling on the past but sometimes I just can’t help but wonder about what could’ve been.
Recently it's all really started to take its toll on me. Memories of what would have been and the people who could have been in my life today but aren’t. Yesterday on my way back from bible studies I just cried. I couldn’t help it the tears were just flowing on the outside and on the inside. My heart was crying along with me and in those moments I felt so vulnerable.
Recently it's all really started to take its toll on me. Memories of what would have been and the people who could have been in my life today but aren’t. Yesterday on my way back from bible studies I just cried. I couldn’t help it the tears were just flowing on the outside and on the inside. My heart was crying along with me and in those moments I felt so vulnerable.
I’m not beating myself up but I am very aware of all that I’ve lost. Recently God has been telling me to pull myself together and get up. I’ve been wounded on the battlefield for too long and it’s now time for restoration. I see his hand reaching out to help me up and I’m looking forward to being on my feet again. Because although I’m born again and I have been for almost 2 years it feels like my life is only just beginning. A strange prospect but true at the same time. The reality is Christ began his great work in me the moment I made that outward declaration that I would follow him for the rest of my life. It was just the process of me renewing my mind to understand this very truth took me a while. But I now know that renewing my mind is a daily process not just something that happens over night. (Romans 12:2)
I’ve spent the past couple of weeks trying to fix the mistakes of my past years. It’s been a very painful yet sobering experience so far but I really believe that with God all things are possible!
Joel 2:25 has been ringing in my spirit.
“And I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, and the consuming locust, and the cutting locust…” I believe the Holy Spirit reminded me of this verse for a reason. And I really do believe God. I really do believe he will restore all those lost years back to me. I know it wont always be easy but it will definitely be worth it.
Hope this encourages someone.
“And I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, and the consuming locust, and the cutting locust…” I believe the Holy Spirit reminded me of this verse for a reason. And I really do believe God. I really do believe he will restore all those lost years back to me. I know it wont always be easy but it will definitely be worth it.
Hope this encourages someone.
I’ll keep you all updated on the process.
Jennifer :)
Jennifer :)
Lost years intro: Fasting Day: 3
Another re-post, wrote this over a year ago. I pray God brings me back to that place of brokeness
“So I went down to the potter’s house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter’s hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do. Then the word of the Lord came to me: “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the Lord. Behold, like the clay in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel. - Jeremiah 18:3-6
This has been on my heart a lot lately.
It is impossible for God to do a work in you without you first being broken. God is able to re-work in us as it seems good to him. Everything he does is perfect and has great purpose behind it. We need to trust him. If a structure isn’t good, firm or stable it is within the builders power to knock it down & re-build it. It would be impossible and unprofitable to build on a structure that isn’t stable. God showed me that it is the same with us. I realised that the closer and deeper you get to God is not the more puffed up you get but the more desperate you become for him. It is the more you realise that you need him and you are completely lost without him. I can’t lie the more God allows me to see the awful things In my soul the more I get discouraged. But God has been showing me to work with what I've got and that there's beauty in everything. Yes, I was the child at school that needed 10 sheets of paper to correct a drawing because I didn’t like the errors that I made in the first 9 so I always found myself screwing up pieces of paper and throwing them in the bin. Im sure some of you can testify to having done the same thing.
The truth is now that I look at it I should have just carried on and worked with what I had to try and
perfect it. It dawned on me one day that this is the very nature of God .It would have been far too easy for God to just scribble us out and start again but he didn't. God sent his son Jesus Christ to redeem us. It's amazing! Blows my mind every time I think about it. God didn't simply just screw us up and throw us in hell, he redeemed us and carried on. Not that we did anything to deserve it and not that we earned it in any way. God simply had mercy and saw the beauty in us.
Every day I discover something new about myself that’s ugly but I’m grateful to God because whatever thing the light shines on is no longer in darkness. Plus it gives me a chance to bring it back to God & ask him to change me & break me in that particular area in order for him to rebuild me. This morning I found myself worrying & conversing with my heart;
"...gosh how will I change… there’s so much wrong with me… it’s impossible for there to be a change… how many years have I been the same way …?? I’m gonna die in this state…I can’t do this…I can’t be bothered…”
It is impossible for God to do a work in you without you first being broken. God is able to re-work in us as it seems good to him. Everything he does is perfect and has great purpose behind it. We need to trust him. If a structure isn’t good, firm or stable it is within the builders power to knock it down & re-build it. It would be impossible and unprofitable to build on a structure that isn’t stable. God showed me that it is the same with us. I realised that the closer and deeper you get to God is not the more puffed up you get but the more desperate you become for him. It is the more you realise that you need him and you are completely lost without him. I can’t lie the more God allows me to see the awful things In my soul the more I get discouraged. But God has been showing me to work with what I've got and that there's beauty in everything. Yes, I was the child at school that needed 10 sheets of paper to correct a drawing because I didn’t like the errors that I made in the first 9 so I always found myself screwing up pieces of paper and throwing them in the bin. Im sure some of you can testify to having done the same thing.
The truth is now that I look at it I should have just carried on and worked with what I had to try and
perfect it. It dawned on me one day that this is the very nature of God .It would have been far too easy for God to just scribble us out and start again but he didn't. God sent his son Jesus Christ to redeem us. It's amazing! Blows my mind every time I think about it. God didn't simply just screw us up and throw us in hell, he redeemed us and carried on. Not that we did anything to deserve it and not that we earned it in any way. God simply had mercy and saw the beauty in us.
Every day I discover something new about myself that’s ugly but I’m grateful to God because whatever thing the light shines on is no longer in darkness. Plus it gives me a chance to bring it back to God & ask him to change me & break me in that particular area in order for him to rebuild me. This morning I found myself worrying & conversing with my heart;
"...gosh how will I change… there’s so much wrong with me… it’s impossible for there to be a change… how many years have I been the same way …?? I’m gonna die in this state…I can’t do this…I can’t be bothered…”
After all the confusion the Holy Spirit reminded me of Jeremiah 18 about the potter & the clay then I came to myself and started to submit those troublesome areas unto him. I started to say in my heart,
“..Lord break me if possible crush me, start again. You have the power.”
Which lead me to write this post and I believe that God is more than able!
“..Lord break me if possible crush me, start again. You have the power.”
Which lead me to write this post and I believe that God is more than able!
So just to round up let’s lay it bear before God. Let’s be transparent before him & let’s not be fearful when Gods light shines on the dark areas of our lives that we were unaware of before because trust me it’s a good thing and also an opportunity for improvement. Remember allow God to work on you and in you. Do not try to run away from God. Do not resist him. Allow God to break you down & build you up. Breaking hurts but it won’t kill you. God will NEVER break you down & not build you back up again.
Philippians 1:6 - Being confident of this very thing; He that began a great work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ!
*B-R-O-K-E-N-E-S-S *
Hallelujah!
Really hope someone was blessed by this post.
Really hope someone was blessed by this post.
(Oh yeahh have a look at Isaiah 66:1-2) :)
Have a great day guys! God bless you!
Jennifer xx
Have a great day guys! God bless you!
Jennifer xx
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